Fear of Fame.

Fear of Fame.

Recently I remembered one of the biggest obstacles that hit me when I had my shattering breakthrough nearly four decades back. Fear of Fame. So I decided to do what any little lad these days would do to see just what was afoot on the know all, know nothing, as my wife would have called it in another context; The Internet.

Imagine then my surprise when I discovered in a word: nothing. Well not exactly nothing, but no clinical definition of the syndrome. If that is what they would refer to the state as a known phobia. Plenty of near misses and supporting gobbledegook, but no solid gravitas explanation. Why? Actually one solution to this apparent riddle is that so few people do not, in their heart of hearts, wish for their; fifteen minutes of fame, as proposed by Andy Worhol? I have often wondered at the precise context of this remark and the attributation. Well he had a point. Even after all these years it is impossible to shake off the feeling that while I have cowered away, watching with at times a surly envy, as others climbed to fame, or some case infamy, on the back of my ideas and hard won experience, the conditions have arisen, and a window of opportunity beckons to put my case.

In the first instance even at the relative tender age of 37, I realised just what a ticklish situation I was in. In a word I had hit the greatest Jackpot of all time....but.  What did I do with such knowledge? Who would profit most with its exploitation? How would my family survive the uproar? How would I survive the distortion of reality? Immediately I had grasped one significant truth. There was only one answer that suited me at that moment in time: the knowledge had to be disseminated piecemeal to a number of sources who were better placed than me to evaluate the worth of my vision and how best to approach and broadcast the treatment if the decision on its validity was a positive one.

I set to work. Driven by heaven knows what to produce over a short period; articles, and letters. A sufficiency of information. In all an attempt to build a case against, as well as possible, to scot the possibility of any influential arm of the establishment would divulge my efforts prematurely, under the extremely weak pretext that I was insane. Somehow I instinctively understood that my very modest education would not at that early stage withstand a battering from the superior egos my vision would soon bring me into conflict with if place under the inquisition of the media. Was this a cowardly act on my part or the action of a highly intelligent but roughly hewn intellect protecting itself as much by the instinct of survival, as desire for riches material, or any other variety of fame?

Fame maybe the spur, but any such ill though out action could easily bring down the whole pack of cards. Here was an unknown prole, with the greatest breakthrough answer, in the universal struggle to help the human race breakout of its eternally damned vicious battle with itself, and he decides the time is not yet. The project team had to accept this decision backed by the best psychiatric opinion available  Over the years since it has barely been weighed in the scales. There was always someone who thought they were smart enough to carry the project through. In the meantime it has been marvellous to experience the subtle help received over the makeshift network from those privy to this top secret project.

Once the realisation dawned upon me how these efforts threatened a whole phalanx of the second rate, who would see their expertise and therefore their likelihoods threatened by the new knowledge. My deductions confirmed my course as the best for the time. With the time lapse now well noted and established if there is nothing further for me to add I might as well shut up shop. One major point I had overlooked was even though I had decided to give away my initial ideas and perhaps the essence of the breakthrough, eventually this problem would have to be faced by me. Sooner or later the bullet would have to be bitten and a more in depth explanation would have to be forthcoming. Now my wife always chants the line from St. Matthew's gospel; sufficient unto the day the evil thereof.

Whatever my thoughts on giving away my efforts to that point in time. I now know without any second thought it was most assuredly the best solution as the invention and existence of the Internet has proved to be a vastly better solution than I could ever have imagined. Now my confidence grows with each completed entry to my blog and with it the certainty this must have been preordained, for each problem my fingers throw out my mind soon creates a solution.